Today on the Facebook page for Renaissance Festivals, I saw an advertisement looking for knights. Yes, knights. They want people in "reasonably good shape" (check.), "able to travel" (possible check, definite check later), "no experience necessary" (double check). And full training for the person they choose.
This.
THIS!
Oh, this would be a dream come true. Andrew and I spent most of the day fantasizing about him being hired. V is still little, and sleeps with us anyway. We could take out a loan, buy a motor home and some better Renaissance garb, put all of our non-mobile worldly goods into storage and hit the road, like the song by the Zach Brown Band. We could go from festival to festival... I could learn to read palms, or Tarot cards, or perfect my Runes, and make money that way. Andrew could be my literal knight in shining armor. We'd dress V appropriately, and his first words might very well be, "God Save The Queen!" Or King, depending on which festival we're attending.
It would be a lesson in downsizing and budgeting, to live in an RV. We'd have just what we needed and no more. We would probably end up using disposable diapers again, but whatever. We could see the country, make so many memories, learn so much and do so much that we've always wanted to do. The first few years of Victor's life would be spent with the two people he loves most, living a life some people only dream about... including us.
This is the kind of life I live in my dreams, truly. Everything I need right there with me, doing what I love, and freedom. So much freedom. It would be amazing. It would be hard, of course. Going from a stationary life, full of easy conveniences (um, in-home washer and dryer, for example... or a bathing area where one can actually stretch all the way up or out...) to an RV would be difficult. We'd have to either haul or sell Zedd, and what would we do with Kahlan and Guardy? Sorry, I love the smelly little featherbrain, but I am NOT taking a bird that perfectly imitates a car alarm into a 32 ft motor home with a baby I can already barely get to sleep. NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I am not a masochist.
But it's awfully nice to dream, right?
PS: For those of you wondering... My son is asleep in his crib right now. His new bedtime is 7:30 pm, and he comes into our bed when we go to sleep around 11 or 12. Yeah, it's a little bit awesome. We're still working out the kinks, especially for naps, but it's coming along.
PPS: Today was a good day, and yesterday too. I didn't lose my temper even once. I haven't screamed at my son in TWO DAYS. This is wonderful, and I am feeling quite the sense of achievement. Let's keep it up, shall we?
Monday, April 29, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Our Sleep Solution Plans... Tonight, We Begin!
1) Develop A Bedtime Routine
6 pm bath time
Lotion
Diaper cream, diaper, pajamas
Medicine
Brush hair
Book
Turn on night night noise
Nurse to sleep laying down/bottle in bed
2) Establish an Early Bedtime Routine
Goal: Bedtime at 7-7:30
3) Follow a Flexible Yet Predictable Daytime Routine
7:30 am wake up for the day
~Diaper change, get dressed
Mama/Daddy gets dressed
Medicine~
Nurse/Small bottle
Breakfast (fruit or veggie)
Play time!
9:00 nap time (goal is 9-10:30)
Play time/walk/short trip
1:30 nap (goal is 1:00 to 3:00)
Play time/walk/short trip
6:30 pm bedtime routine starts
7:30 bed time
(~Usual Wake Up Routine~)
4) Take Regular Naps with a Nap Routine
Diaper change
Binkie and Rugby
Rocking and humming (for now) to almost asleep
5) Get Him to Nap Longer
About 5-10 minutes before his usual wake up (so, about 20-30 minutes after he's laid down) go in and wait for him to start tossing and turning, wiggling, and being restless. AS SOON AS THIS HAPPENS, soothe him back to sleep in any way that works: rock, pat, nurse, binkie, etc.
6) Help Your Baby Learn To Fall Asleep Without Help
A) "My bed is a nice place!" Two or three times a day, have the crib be the playtime space: read a book, talk to him, play with a stuffedy or two (Larry!) Quiet games, no musical toys.
B) Falling asleep in different ways: Try other ways of getting him to sleep every day: rock one day, car ride the next, nurse laying down another, sling the next day. After 10 days, get him to very sleepy but not asleep with various ways, then lay him down in the crib. Pat him, rub his back, smooth his hair, hum, and he should eventually fall asleep on his own. Once this happens, eliminate alternate methods and use the one that works best for YOU, not him (rocking mostly)
7) Introduce a Lovey (Snuggly/Kippy)
His name is Rugby.
8) Make Nighttime Sleeping Different from Daytime Sleeping
No diaper changes, no loud noises or fast movement; keep speech to only the necessary, or "shhh" or "night night, tired baby". No lights if at all possible, and no toys but the snuggly.
9) Develop Key Words As A Sleep Cue
Only use them when baby is in a semi-asleep state for several weeks so that he can associate them with that sensation, rather than with crying or fussing.
10) Use a Sound as a Sleep Cue
The rain setting on the sound spa.
11) Help Him Fall Back To Sleep on His Own, In the Crib
Phase 1- Comfort baby back to mostly asleep, then lay him in the crib. Keep arms around him and rock a little, and once he's settled, slip away. If he cries, pick him up and repeat the process. Five tries before going back to the old routine. Once this seems to be working (he is laid down, in the crib, and finishes falling asleep), move to Phase Two.
Phase 2- Rock, nurse, etc baby back until he's settled and sleepy, but not asleep. Lay him in the crib, pat him, touch him, smooth his hair, use the key words. If he cries, pick him up and repeat the process. Five tries before going back to the Phase One. Once this seems to be working (he is laid down, in the crib, and goes to sleep), move to Phase Three.
Phase 3- Go to him immediately, but try not to pick him up. Say the key words, make sure the sleep noise is on, pat him, touch him, put your arms around him in the crib until he's asleep again. If he cries, pick him up and go back to Phase Two, or even Phase One, but make it very brief. Five tries, and repeat. Once this seems to be working (he is laid down, in the crib, and is asleep), move to Phase Four.
Phase 4- No picking up, just soothing, pats and key words. If he cries, pick him up and go back to Phase Three, or even Phase Two, but make it very brief. Five tries. Once this seems to be working (he is laid down, in the crib, and is asleep), move to Phase Five.
Phase 5- Just words, no touch or pats. Key words and sleep noise. If he cries, pick him up and go back to Phase Three, or even Phase Two, but make it very brief. Five tries.
Our ultimate goal is this:
Two naps a day at 9 am and 1:00 pm. Bed time at 7:30, in the crib. If/when he wakes up at night, he'll come into the bed with us. Wake up time 7:30 am, and we start all over! I'm totally fine with naps moving around 30 minutes either way if that's what V needs. Bedtime is going to stay firm, though, because mama needs some sanity and a little more sleep herself. Binkie use has been okayed for a little longer, while we work on sleeping.
We start tonight.
6 pm bath time
Lotion
Diaper cream, diaper, pajamas
Medicine
Brush hair
Book
Turn on night night noise
Nurse to sleep laying down/bottle in bed
2) Establish an Early Bedtime Routine
Goal: Bedtime at 7-7:30
3) Follow a Flexible Yet Predictable Daytime Routine
7:30 am wake up for the day
~Diaper change, get dressed
Mama/Daddy gets dressed
Medicine~
Nurse/Small bottle
Breakfast (fruit or veggie)
Play time!
9:00 nap time (goal is 9-10:30)
Play time/walk/short trip
1:30 nap (goal is 1:00 to 3:00)
Play time/walk/short trip
6:30 pm bedtime routine starts
7:30 bed time
(~Usual Wake Up Routine~)
4) Take Regular Naps with a Nap Routine
Diaper change
Binkie and Rugby
Rocking and humming (for now) to almost asleep
5) Get Him to Nap Longer
About 5-10 minutes before his usual wake up (so, about 20-30 minutes after he's laid down) go in and wait for him to start tossing and turning, wiggling, and being restless. AS SOON AS THIS HAPPENS, soothe him back to sleep in any way that works: rock, pat, nurse, binkie, etc.
6) Help Your Baby Learn To Fall Asleep Without Help
A) "My bed is a nice place!" Two or three times a day, have the crib be the playtime space: read a book, talk to him, play with a stuffedy or two (Larry!) Quiet games, no musical toys.
B) Falling asleep in different ways: Try other ways of getting him to sleep every day: rock one day, car ride the next, nurse laying down another, sling the next day. After 10 days, get him to very sleepy but not asleep with various ways, then lay him down in the crib. Pat him, rub his back, smooth his hair, hum, and he should eventually fall asleep on his own. Once this happens, eliminate alternate methods and use the one that works best for YOU, not him (rocking mostly)
7) Introduce a Lovey (Snuggly/Kippy)
His name is Rugby.
8) Make Nighttime Sleeping Different from Daytime Sleeping
No diaper changes, no loud noises or fast movement; keep speech to only the necessary, or "shhh" or "night night, tired baby". No lights if at all possible, and no toys but the snuggly.
9) Develop Key Words As A Sleep Cue
Only use them when baby is in a semi-asleep state for several weeks so that he can associate them with that sensation, rather than with crying or fussing.
10) Use a Sound as a Sleep Cue
The rain setting on the sound spa.
11) Help Him Fall Back To Sleep on His Own, In the Crib
Phase 1- Comfort baby back to mostly asleep, then lay him in the crib. Keep arms around him and rock a little, and once he's settled, slip away. If he cries, pick him up and repeat the process. Five tries before going back to the old routine. Once this seems to be working (he is laid down, in the crib, and finishes falling asleep), move to Phase Two.
Phase 2- Rock, nurse, etc baby back until he's settled and sleepy, but not asleep. Lay him in the crib, pat him, touch him, smooth his hair, use the key words. If he cries, pick him up and repeat the process. Five tries before going back to the Phase One. Once this seems to be working (he is laid down, in the crib, and goes to sleep), move to Phase Three.
Phase 3- Go to him immediately, but try not to pick him up. Say the key words, make sure the sleep noise is on, pat him, touch him, put your arms around him in the crib until he's asleep again. If he cries, pick him up and go back to Phase Two, or even Phase One, but make it very brief. Five tries, and repeat. Once this seems to be working (he is laid down, in the crib, and is asleep), move to Phase Four.
Phase 4- No picking up, just soothing, pats and key words. If he cries, pick him up and go back to Phase Three, or even Phase Two, but make it very brief. Five tries. Once this seems to be working (he is laid down, in the crib, and is asleep), move to Phase Five.
Phase 5- Just words, no touch or pats. Key words and sleep noise. If he cries, pick him up and go back to Phase Three, or even Phase Two, but make it very brief. Five tries.
Our ultimate goal is this:
Two naps a day at 9 am and 1:00 pm. Bed time at 7:30, in the crib. If/when he wakes up at night, he'll come into the bed with us. Wake up time 7:30 am, and we start all over! I'm totally fine with naps moving around 30 minutes either way if that's what V needs. Bedtime is going to stay firm, though, because mama needs some sanity and a little more sleep herself. Binkie use has been okayed for a little longer, while we work on sleeping.
We start tonight.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Week of Logging
No, ladies and gentlemen (um... If there are any, anyway), I have not turned lumberjack. No, no... I am following the first step in Elizabeth Pantley's book, The No Cry Sleep Solution.
Flashback to my previous post: we need to work on naps and sleep. We need to do so BADLY. It's become not only a daily struggle, but also a matter of baby health (at least in my mind, no word from Dr. Roberts on this). V needs more sleep to be the happiest, healthiest, snuggliest baby he can be. He's already pretty good in those categories, but I know if he wasn't exhausted and cranky all the time, it would be better.
So, one of the first things recommended is to keep a log of how your baby sleeps. These logs are pretty detailed. Obviously, since it's day time, we're in the middle of the nap log. I'm writing down when, how, and where V is falling asleep, where he's actually sleeping, and for how long. So far, at 9:30 am, I've rocked him to sleep in my arms, laid him in the crib, and got a whopping 20 minutes!
Just enough time to lay him down, sit on the couch, stuff a couple diapers, and get back up for him... Yay.
He's in the crib again now, and will probably be waking up in oh... 10 seconds-ish. We shall see.
In the mean time, let me tell you a little of what I've learned from this book. At nearly 6 months old, most babies cut down to just two naps a day (crazy, to think that he slept most of the first three months of his life away... which, ironically, is how I spent the first three months of my pregnancy lol), but those naps should total around 3 or 4 hours. Every day! Four hours of sanity!! And then, he also should be getting about 11 hours of sleep at night, though not necessarily in one bundle. That's still about 15 hours of sleep a day... and I'd be shocked and amazed to find out he got that much. That's what the logs are for, I suppose. Shock and amazement.
Now, on top of the 15 hours of sleep, I've also learned that the sleep cycle for babies can be very short. They can go through all of them quickly, resulting in a "breif awakening" that, as adults, we just go back to sleep from. Babies, especially ones that require lots of rocking and sucking etc to sleep in the first place, have trouble doing this. This leads to them waking up... and then they get stimulated, things go downhill, yadda yadda, cranky, tired baby.
And so, having learned all of this and more that I don't have time to type out because my son apparently goes through his sleep cycles in 20 minutes flat.... I went on to the next step! Which is logging his sleep patterns, familiarizing myself with what's going on with him, and relearning his sleep noises vs. his I'm waking up noises.
Here's what I've got:
Victor sleeps in 20-30 minute increments during the day, unless he is either held or slept next to. If I do either of those, he will sleep for 1-2 hours.
Victor expects to be rocked to sleep with his pacifier, and generally only sleeps that way.
Victor is now awake. Who'd have guessed, right?
Flashback to my previous post: we need to work on naps and sleep. We need to do so BADLY. It's become not only a daily struggle, but also a matter of baby health (at least in my mind, no word from Dr. Roberts on this). V needs more sleep to be the happiest, healthiest, snuggliest baby he can be. He's already pretty good in those categories, but I know if he wasn't exhausted and cranky all the time, it would be better.
So, one of the first things recommended is to keep a log of how your baby sleeps. These logs are pretty detailed. Obviously, since it's day time, we're in the middle of the nap log. I'm writing down when, how, and where V is falling asleep, where he's actually sleeping, and for how long. So far, at 9:30 am, I've rocked him to sleep in my arms, laid him in the crib, and got a whopping 20 minutes!
Just enough time to lay him down, sit on the couch, stuff a couple diapers, and get back up for him... Yay.
He's in the crib again now, and will probably be waking up in oh... 10 seconds-ish. We shall see.
In the mean time, let me tell you a little of what I've learned from this book. At nearly 6 months old, most babies cut down to just two naps a day (crazy, to think that he slept most of the first three months of his life away... which, ironically, is how I spent the first three months of my pregnancy lol), but those naps should total around 3 or 4 hours. Every day! Four hours of sanity!! And then, he also should be getting about 11 hours of sleep at night, though not necessarily in one bundle. That's still about 15 hours of sleep a day... and I'd be shocked and amazed to find out he got that much. That's what the logs are for, I suppose. Shock and amazement.
Now, on top of the 15 hours of sleep, I've also learned that the sleep cycle for babies can be very short. They can go through all of them quickly, resulting in a "breif awakening" that, as adults, we just go back to sleep from. Babies, especially ones that require lots of rocking and sucking etc to sleep in the first place, have trouble doing this. This leads to them waking up... and then they get stimulated, things go downhill, yadda yadda, cranky, tired baby.
And so, having learned all of this and more that I don't have time to type out because my son apparently goes through his sleep cycles in 20 minutes flat.... I went on to the next step! Which is logging his sleep patterns, familiarizing myself with what's going on with him, and relearning his sleep noises vs. his I'm waking up noises.
Here's what I've got:
Victor sleeps in 20-30 minute increments during the day, unless he is either held or slept next to. If I do either of those, he will sleep for 1-2 hours.
Victor expects to be rocked to sleep with his pacifier, and generally only sleeps that way.
Victor is now awake. Who'd have guessed, right?
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
The No-Cry Sleep Solution and how we've found ourselves here.
This will be a long post, and a confusing one. Also... a difficult one for me, and possibly for you as well.
I'm afraid I might be slightly suffering from PPD. That's how I have to begin this, because that's a large part of the reason we're trying a "sleep solution" at all. I am not really tired, or exhausted. I'm clear-headed for the most part and yeah, we get pretty good sleep. But I am emotionally wiped out, all day every day.
V doesn't sleep. His usual day consists of one to three naps that last, maybe, if I'm crazy super lucky, 30 minutes. That's it. 30 minutes.
That's enough time for me to get him to sleep, lay him down on the bed or in the crib, get something to eat or drink, and sit down. Then he's awake, and I have to stand right back up, sustenance unfinished, and either try to soothe him back to sleep (doesn't happen) or play with him again.
Unless of course, I choose to hold him for the entire nap. Then I can get close to an hour, maybe even and hour and a half. But I can't move from my spot, can't eat or drink. I can read, thankfully, or play a game as long as what I do doesn't jostle him overmuch or make too much noise.
And so... I get angry. I get so, so angry. I have yelled at my 5 month old son. Heck, I've yelled right up in his face and told him I hate him. Yeah. I admit it, I just put it into text. I'm not proud of it, and it makes me want to vomit. I've never hurt him, because when I get to a point when I feel like I really, truly could... I set him down in his crib to scream his lungs out and I walk away. If I'm in the kitchen with the water running or the dishwasher on, I can't hear anything in the bedroom with the door shut. Thank God. Because I usually really, really need to be that far away for a good 5 minutes.
And I hate myself for it. I hate every second that I cannot be close to my son for fear of tossing him onto the bed in a way that his little neck snaps back and his screams of, "I'm tired and won't sleep" turn into, "I'm terrified and in pain". Or worse, the floor.
But I also know that I am mentally capable of working it out. I've dealt with this sort of thing before, when I was 10 years younger and less of a woman than I am now. I know the signs to watch for in myself that say, you need a break. You're done. You've had enough. Andrew is well-aware that when I say, I need help now, I really do. He's good about dropping what he's doing to provide it, when he's here. When he's not, which is a lot of the time, I just deal. So far, so good.
In knowing these signs, I am also watching out for what seems to cause me the most anguish. I can handle almost anything that V throws at me. He can be cranky and fussy, he can pull my hair, bite my nose, poop in my hand. Cool, whatever. But when he will not sleep... when I have to hold him for three hours and all he does is scream at me like it's MY fault he's not asleep yet, and of course, it's not and it is at the same time... when I am DESPERATE for a short break, time to eat something or use the bathroom and he simply will not close his eyes. Or at the end of the day, when I'm so ready for bed my head starts pounding and my joints start to ache, and he rolls onto his stomach again and again and again. That's when I get angry, when I start to see the signs that I am at my wits' end and losing what precious little self control I still possess.
And then, I also see the other side of this. He's not happy, and nothing but a good long nap can fix it. On the days when he naps great, 2 hours and then another 2 hours, he sleeps great at night, barely waking to nurse once. He's happy all day long, smiley and giggly and such an easy-going little spirit that he lights up the whole room. I KNOW that's how he's supposed to be, and I know that as he gets older, when naps become less important to his entire world, that's the little boy I'm going to have. I look forward to those days... and I also look forward to the days when he naps well.
Sleep is crucial to his development. His subconscious dream life is as necessary as his real one, and when he misses out on such an important part of his world, he's missing out on an opportunity to grow into a big strong boy. I want him to be healthy as well as happy, and when he doesn't get as much sleep as he needs (which is about 15 hours a day right now. We're lucky to get 12 or so), he's neither.
Which brings me to where I am now.
I am at a desperate peak to find a solution to the issues we're facing. He is exhausted, unhappy, and all around not okay. So am I, for that matter. And I feel as though we could possibly find a happy medium for the both of us by fixing some of his troubles with sleep... if he could be laid down, in his crib, after mama has rocked him and nursed him, changed his butt, and given him a kiss, and fall asleep easily on his own for an hour or more twice a day. If he could have his bath and meddies, get into his pajamas, nurse and be rocked, and laid down around 8 pm in his crib to once again fall asleep by himself for a few hours. I don't care if he sleeps through the night... in fact, I don't expect him to yet. I don't mind waking up at 1 am to nurse him again and snuggle him, maybe bring him into bed with us so that when he wakes again at 3 am, I can just roll over and boob him. That doesn't bother me, because I know his super-fast growing body needs it, and my boobs need it too. But we need him to sleep, too.
However, I am so against the idea of "crying it out". I don't believe that babies are meant to cry for hours, that they are capable of soothing themselves, that they deserve to be left alone in the dark, with no one to comfort them when they wake up, scared and unsure. That seems cruel to me. And yes, I am a hypocrite, in that I have left my sweet boy to cry, alone, in his crib for longer than a few moments at a time. The circumstances differ somewhat: if I had continued to be with him, there would have been dire consequences. His life, however horrifying it may be, was safer alone and screaming than with me. The lesser of two evils, I suppose.
And so... I find myself reading the No Cry Sleep Solution and nodding along with it. I can see how each suggestion the author makes might work. And already today, just by reading it and telling myself we're going to work on this sleep thing, we're trying to fix it, I can feel a difference in my response to V's gut-wrenching screams. I keep repeating to myself, we're going to work on it, we're going to work on it.
Oh, V. I love you so very much. It hurts me to see how unhappy you are sometimes, and it hurts me to know that motherhood makes me unhappy sometimes, when I've longed for it so long.
We will find a way to help you sleep easier, my little love, and we will do it not just for your good, but for my own as well.
If you want to follow along, I think I'm going to be putting our logs and such here. I could use the encouragement.
I'm afraid I might be slightly suffering from PPD. That's how I have to begin this, because that's a large part of the reason we're trying a "sleep solution" at all. I am not really tired, or exhausted. I'm clear-headed for the most part and yeah, we get pretty good sleep. But I am emotionally wiped out, all day every day.
V doesn't sleep. His usual day consists of one to three naps that last, maybe, if I'm crazy super lucky, 30 minutes. That's it. 30 minutes.
That's enough time for me to get him to sleep, lay him down on the bed or in the crib, get something to eat or drink, and sit down. Then he's awake, and I have to stand right back up, sustenance unfinished, and either try to soothe him back to sleep (doesn't happen) or play with him again.
Unless of course, I choose to hold him for the entire nap. Then I can get close to an hour, maybe even and hour and a half. But I can't move from my spot, can't eat or drink. I can read, thankfully, or play a game as long as what I do doesn't jostle him overmuch or make too much noise.
And so... I get angry. I get so, so angry. I have yelled at my 5 month old son. Heck, I've yelled right up in his face and told him I hate him. Yeah. I admit it, I just put it into text. I'm not proud of it, and it makes me want to vomit. I've never hurt him, because when I get to a point when I feel like I really, truly could... I set him down in his crib to scream his lungs out and I walk away. If I'm in the kitchen with the water running or the dishwasher on, I can't hear anything in the bedroom with the door shut. Thank God. Because I usually really, really need to be that far away for a good 5 minutes.
And I hate myself for it. I hate every second that I cannot be close to my son for fear of tossing him onto the bed in a way that his little neck snaps back and his screams of, "I'm tired and won't sleep" turn into, "I'm terrified and in pain". Or worse, the floor.
But I also know that I am mentally capable of working it out. I've dealt with this sort of thing before, when I was 10 years younger and less of a woman than I am now. I know the signs to watch for in myself that say, you need a break. You're done. You've had enough. Andrew is well-aware that when I say, I need help now, I really do. He's good about dropping what he's doing to provide it, when he's here. When he's not, which is a lot of the time, I just deal. So far, so good.
In knowing these signs, I am also watching out for what seems to cause me the most anguish. I can handle almost anything that V throws at me. He can be cranky and fussy, he can pull my hair, bite my nose, poop in my hand. Cool, whatever. But when he will not sleep... when I have to hold him for three hours and all he does is scream at me like it's MY fault he's not asleep yet, and of course, it's not and it is at the same time... when I am DESPERATE for a short break, time to eat something or use the bathroom and he simply will not close his eyes. Or at the end of the day, when I'm so ready for bed my head starts pounding and my joints start to ache, and he rolls onto his stomach again and again and again. That's when I get angry, when I start to see the signs that I am at my wits' end and losing what precious little self control I still possess.
And then, I also see the other side of this. He's not happy, and nothing but a good long nap can fix it. On the days when he naps great, 2 hours and then another 2 hours, he sleeps great at night, barely waking to nurse once. He's happy all day long, smiley and giggly and such an easy-going little spirit that he lights up the whole room. I KNOW that's how he's supposed to be, and I know that as he gets older, when naps become less important to his entire world, that's the little boy I'm going to have. I look forward to those days... and I also look forward to the days when he naps well.
Sleep is crucial to his development. His subconscious dream life is as necessary as his real one, and when he misses out on such an important part of his world, he's missing out on an opportunity to grow into a big strong boy. I want him to be healthy as well as happy, and when he doesn't get as much sleep as he needs (which is about 15 hours a day right now. We're lucky to get 12 or so), he's neither.
Which brings me to where I am now.
I am at a desperate peak to find a solution to the issues we're facing. He is exhausted, unhappy, and all around not okay. So am I, for that matter. And I feel as though we could possibly find a happy medium for the both of us by fixing some of his troubles with sleep... if he could be laid down, in his crib, after mama has rocked him and nursed him, changed his butt, and given him a kiss, and fall asleep easily on his own for an hour or more twice a day. If he could have his bath and meddies, get into his pajamas, nurse and be rocked, and laid down around 8 pm in his crib to once again fall asleep by himself for a few hours. I don't care if he sleeps through the night... in fact, I don't expect him to yet. I don't mind waking up at 1 am to nurse him again and snuggle him, maybe bring him into bed with us so that when he wakes again at 3 am, I can just roll over and boob him. That doesn't bother me, because I know his super-fast growing body needs it, and my boobs need it too. But we need him to sleep, too.
However, I am so against the idea of "crying it out". I don't believe that babies are meant to cry for hours, that they are capable of soothing themselves, that they deserve to be left alone in the dark, with no one to comfort them when they wake up, scared and unsure. That seems cruel to me. And yes, I am a hypocrite, in that I have left my sweet boy to cry, alone, in his crib for longer than a few moments at a time. The circumstances differ somewhat: if I had continued to be with him, there would have been dire consequences. His life, however horrifying it may be, was safer alone and screaming than with me. The lesser of two evils, I suppose.
And so... I find myself reading the No Cry Sleep Solution and nodding along with it. I can see how each suggestion the author makes might work. And already today, just by reading it and telling myself we're going to work on this sleep thing, we're trying to fix it, I can feel a difference in my response to V's gut-wrenching screams. I keep repeating to myself, we're going to work on it, we're going to work on it.
Oh, V. I love you so very much. It hurts me to see how unhappy you are sometimes, and it hurts me to know that motherhood makes me unhappy sometimes, when I've longed for it so long.
We will find a way to help you sleep easier, my little love, and we will do it not just for your good, but for my own as well.
If you want to follow along, I think I'm going to be putting our logs and such here. I could use the encouragement.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
What I Wish I Could Do
You know what I wish I could do?
I wish I could be one of those super cool "mommy bloggers". The kind that is working her way through all this stuff about her life and raising kids, learning all these things, maybe with a career in the other hand, doing DIY stuff with her free time... You know, the cool people. And no, there's no sarcasm there. I honestly think these women are amazing.
Our Muddy Boots for example. Learning to live in an attachment parenting way... awesome.
Evolutionary Parenting... awesome.
The Pioneer Woman...awesome. And so full of fooooood.
There are too many to name!
Could I do it, too? Could I lay out all my parenting challenges right here on the floor, talk about the overwhelming urge I had to lock myself in the bathroom and scream bloody murder because my darling son, whom I love more than life itself, decided he didn't need to sleep after 3 pm, except for two horrifically short (20 minute!) naps that did nothing to take the edge off my insanity?
Or maybe mention the fact that I had dunk all of my cloth diapers in the toilet without flinching? Heck, I actually enjoy it some days. Even the poopy ones.
Should I add that eating spinach apparently makes for green baby poop? And when I say eat, I mean I ate it, not him. And his poop was like... GREEN.
Maybe I can give it a shot. But that means finding time in the day for this blog... and that's easier said than done with V.
I wish I could be one of those super cool "mommy bloggers". The kind that is working her way through all this stuff about her life and raising kids, learning all these things, maybe with a career in the other hand, doing DIY stuff with her free time... You know, the cool people. And no, there's no sarcasm there. I honestly think these women are amazing.
Our Muddy Boots for example. Learning to live in an attachment parenting way... awesome.
Evolutionary Parenting... awesome.
The Pioneer Woman...awesome. And so full of fooooood.
There are too many to name!
Could I do it, too? Could I lay out all my parenting challenges right here on the floor, talk about the overwhelming urge I had to lock myself in the bathroom and scream bloody murder because my darling son, whom I love more than life itself, decided he didn't need to sleep after 3 pm, except for two horrifically short (20 minute!) naps that did nothing to take the edge off my insanity?
Or maybe mention the fact that I had dunk all of my cloth diapers in the toilet without flinching? Heck, I actually enjoy it some days. Even the poopy ones.
Should I add that eating spinach apparently makes for green baby poop? And when I say eat, I mean I ate it, not him. And his poop was like... GREEN.
Maybe I can give it a shot. But that means finding time in the day for this blog... and that's easier said than done with V.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Food.
Today, I am starving.
Here's a fun fact: I barely eat. Yes, yes, I know... I'm a nursing mother, I need those extra 300 calories a day to produce sufficient, full o' nutrient milk for Stinky. But as much as I loooove food, both the preparing and the devouring, if I don't have to, I don't. It stems, in part, from being hungry so often and for such prolonged periods of time as a child.
And in part from being lazy as all get out.
Brutal honesty, folks. Brutal.
And so, if I'm not ravishingly hungry... if the bird has not yet become appetizing... if my stomach is still basically silent... if the food takes longer than 3.5 seconds to acquire...
I don't eat. With this set up, I put food in my face about twice a day. Breakfast, because I always wake up hungry, regardless of dinner the night before (hmm, can't imagine why...), and dinner.
But today... I am STARVING.
It could be related to the fact that V has been on the boob every hour for the last two days, and if he's not eating, he's sleeping. Hello, growth spurt. But mother of God, I am so hungry! I had 4 pancakes with syrup for breakfast, and a cup of coffee. Then I had another two pancakes an hour ago, with syrup, and a big glass of water.
I feel like my stomach is going to eat itself, and I have plans to get a chimichanga from the freezer. Well, no, that's a lie. I'm getting TWO chimichangas from the freezer.
If I can get this child, now dead to the world on the Boppy, away from me without waking him up.
Here's a fun fact: I barely eat. Yes, yes, I know... I'm a nursing mother, I need those extra 300 calories a day to produce sufficient, full o' nutrient milk for Stinky. But as much as I loooove food, both the preparing and the devouring, if I don't have to, I don't. It stems, in part, from being hungry so often and for such prolonged periods of time as a child.
And in part from being lazy as all get out.
Brutal honesty, folks. Brutal.
And so, if I'm not ravishingly hungry... if the bird has not yet become appetizing... if my stomach is still basically silent... if the food takes longer than 3.5 seconds to acquire...
I don't eat. With this set up, I put food in my face about twice a day. Breakfast, because I always wake up hungry, regardless of dinner the night before (hmm, can't imagine why...), and dinner.
But today... I am STARVING.
It could be related to the fact that V has been on the boob every hour for the last two days, and if he's not eating, he's sleeping. Hello, growth spurt. But mother of God, I am so hungry! I had 4 pancakes with syrup for breakfast, and a cup of coffee. Then I had another two pancakes an hour ago, with syrup, and a big glass of water.
I feel like my stomach is going to eat itself, and I have plans to get a chimichanga from the freezer. Well, no, that's a lie. I'm getting TWO chimichangas from the freezer.
If I can get this child, now dead to the world on the Boppy, away from me without waking him up.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Once Upon A Time (not the TV show)
My family was never quite the usual family.
It was always a toss up what you'd get from either parent on any given day: it could be sunshine and rainbows for a week, and suddenly, with no warning, it was the apocalypse. With my dad, any little thing might set him off. If I spilled in the kitchen, or pestered him too frequently about coming inside from whatever his choice of pastime was that day, or if mom said something about me not listening. With my mom, it was always the slightest change in routine that bothered her: coffee not made when she woke up in the morning, dishes not done when she came home, not enough hot water for the shower, or if I was late to school.
So that's the background you need in order to understand how much fun, and how wonderful it was, when there was nothing wrong and things went smoothly. Any little instance could spell tragedy... screams, threats of punishment, actual punishment, guilt, and insults... but when things were good, they were awesome!
Some of the most awesome times came from the nights when my mom was at work, and there were potatoes. Dad and I would set up the Frydaddy, peel a huge bunch of potatoes (at least 5 or 6 big ones) and go to town making french fries. We wouldn't make anything else, just fries, and we'd sit there at the stove and fryer, dipping in ketchup and mayo, for hours. Just eating, and making jokes. I'd talk to him about all kinds of things, school and boys, friends, the future, mom and her problems, his problems, money and food... Everything under the sun was discussed under the florescent stove light. It was fantastic. I miss those nights.
Of course, when we finished eating, I'd hurry and clean up everything, get dishes done, and a pot of coffee going so that when mom came home, she didn't know. If she'd known, she'd have been mad at us for wasting the potatoes, for not having something else, or for not saving her some. And I mean, often we did save her some, or we'd make a pack of hamburgers with them, or something. But if there was any evidence of it, we'd be in deep kimchee.
I'm telling you this because...
It was always a toss up what you'd get from either parent on any given day: it could be sunshine and rainbows for a week, and suddenly, with no warning, it was the apocalypse. With my dad, any little thing might set him off. If I spilled in the kitchen, or pestered him too frequently about coming inside from whatever his choice of pastime was that day, or if mom said something about me not listening. With my mom, it was always the slightest change in routine that bothered her: coffee not made when she woke up in the morning, dishes not done when she came home, not enough hot water for the shower, or if I was late to school.
So that's the background you need in order to understand how much fun, and how wonderful it was, when there was nothing wrong and things went smoothly. Any little instance could spell tragedy... screams, threats of punishment, actual punishment, guilt, and insults... but when things were good, they were awesome!
Some of the most awesome times came from the nights when my mom was at work, and there were potatoes. Dad and I would set up the Frydaddy, peel a huge bunch of potatoes (at least 5 or 6 big ones) and go to town making french fries. We wouldn't make anything else, just fries, and we'd sit there at the stove and fryer, dipping in ketchup and mayo, for hours. Just eating, and making jokes. I'd talk to him about all kinds of things, school and boys, friends, the future, mom and her problems, his problems, money and food... Everything under the sun was discussed under the florescent stove light. It was fantastic. I miss those nights.
Of course, when we finished eating, I'd hurry and clean up everything, get dishes done, and a pot of coffee going so that when mom came home, she didn't know. If she'd known, she'd have been mad at us for wasting the potatoes, for not having something else, or for not saving her some. And I mean, often we did save her some, or we'd make a pack of hamburgers with them, or something. But if there was any evidence of it, we'd be in deep kimchee.
I'm telling you this because...
I made french fries!!!
Mom got me a deep fryer for Christmas and on Tuesday, for Andrew's birthday, I'm throwing a surprise party (more on this after the fact. Keepin' it on the down low, ya dig? lol) and the appetizers will be jalapeno poppers, mozzarella sticks, and popcorn chicken. But I wanted to be sure that I could work the fryer, and uh, I wanted french fries like you wouldn't believe, so... ta-da! I did it :)
And they brought back a lot of great memories. They may also bring back a lot of friendliness with my toilet... more grease than I'm used to these days.
Anyway. Back to eating! ;)
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